


Zephyranthes

by ezazahaz



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with an Angsty Ending, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-15 17:53:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18504073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ezazahaz/pseuds/ezazahaz
Summary: The return home was nothing like Steve expected.Tony’s brow crinkled for a moment, his lips pursed in the start of a question. Then, after a second, it smoothed out, into recognition. Steve waited for a comment like “I almost didn’t recognize you with that beard!” Instead, Tony just said, “Right. Cap. Welcome back.” There was no emotion in the words, no hint that he was trying to hide pain or relief or annoyance. Nothing.





	Zephyranthes

The return home was nothing like Steve expected.

Well, honestly, a tiny part of him expected Tony’s whole “My lawyers have gotten the Accords shelved and full amnesty for all of you, even Robo-Barnes” pronouncement to be a trap. And really, most of him expected the awkwardness as Tony welcomed the wayward Avengers back into the compound. The fidgeting, the quick, joyless smiles Tony gave Sam, Wanda, Clint, and Scott weren’t surprising, nor the wince as his eyes slid past Bucky.

What surprised Steve was Tony’s reaction when his eyes landed on _him_.

More awkwardness would have been reasonable. Anger. Fear, even. Somewhere deep inside he realized he’d even hoped for a glint of happiness, a sign that maybe after everything Tony had missed him, at least a little.

Instead, Tony’s brow crinkled for a moment, his lips pursed in the start of a question. Then, after a second, it smoothed out, into recognition. Steve waited for a comment like _“I almost didn’t recognize you with that beard!”_ Instead, Tony just said, “Right. Cap. Welcome back.” There was no emotion in the words, no hint that he was trying to hide pain or relief or annoyance. Nothing.

And then his gaze moved on, and Steve saw a quickly-hidden look of pain when Tony looked at Natasha. “Welcome back, everyone. Or, welcome for the first time, Terminator, Ant-Guy.”

“Uh, Scott is fine,” Scott protested.

“Sure,” Tony agreed dismissively, in a tone that promised at least three new nicknames before the week was up.

He invited them all inside, and didn’t look at Steve again once.

* * *

Later, he found a moment to talk to Rhodey.

“Hey, uh... I wanted to apologize.”

Rhodey turned, the quiet rush of hydraulics in the braces around his legs probably only audible to supersoldier hearing. “For what?” the man asked. There was something heavy in his tone.

“For... the way things went at the airport in Germany. I shouldn’t have--”

“Stop. I don’t blame you for what happened to me.” His tone didn’t quite match his words--harsh, not just emphatic but barely holding back aggression.

“I...” Steve realized, feeling foolish. Of course Rhodey would be more upset about his best friend than his own paralysis. “I’m sorry for hurting Tony, too. I should have told him about his parents as soon as I found out.”

“You’re damned right you should have. And then... you almost killed him.”

Steve flashed back for a moment, almost feeling the swing of his arms bringing his shield down into Tony’s chest. “That was... it was defense. He was going to kill--but I took it too far.”

“That’s not the only way you almost killed him, either,” Rhodey responded, then turned to leave the room.

“What do you mean?” Steve asked, his heart suddenly pounding hard in his chest.

But Rhodey didn’t reply.

* * *

Steve was ashamed for the fact that it took him two days to get up the nerve to make his apology to Tony himself. Then he waited another few hours, because he realized his first plan of talking to Tony in the workshop--what was supposed to be the man’s safe space--might not go over as well, so he had to wait for Tony to come out for coffee.

Steve was cleaning the stove when Tony came in, walked to the coffee pot, and turned it on, all without saying a word.

“Hey, Tony,” Steve said, setting aside the damp cloth he was holding.

Tony looked up from staring at the percolating pot, seeming almost surprised to see someone else in the room with him. “Oh. Hi.”

Steve wanted to ask how long he’d been in the workshop, but figured he didn’t have the right anymore. Besides, he had to push through to what he needed to say. “I--I need to apologize.”

“For what?” Unlike with Rhodey, the words weren’t laced with hostility. Instead, Tony seemed genuinely confused.

“For what happened in Siberia. For not having told you about your parents the moment I found out.”

“Oh.” A mere flicker of Tony’s brow was a momentary sign of pain at the mention of his parents, then his expression smoothed out. He shrugged. “It’s fine. Water under the bridge.” He turned back to the coffee, pouring himself a mug of the now scalding liquid.

Steve stared. Tony’s posture was loose, easy. He didn’t seem to be hiding residual anger, forcing himself to forgive for the benefit of team dynamics. He just seemed... blank.

“It’s... it’s not okay. Tony, it was horrible of me, and for you to find out that way--I can’t imagine how that felt. I don’t blame--I can’t believe all you did to bring us back here, after what I--”

“I told you it’s fine, Cap,” Tony said with ease. Not with annoyance, or bitterness, or tired resignation. “It bothered me before, but now... it doesn’t.”

Steve opened his mouth, but no words came out. This wasn’t how he’d expected this to go at all. No shouting, no biting words, no anger to push through and come out the other side as friends again. Just... this blank nothingness.

Tony picked up his mug. “Was there something else you needed?”

When words still didn’t come, Steve shook his head.

Tony shrugged again and left.

* * *

“He’s... just not the same guy,” Steve explained to Bucky, “And it’s my fault. I wish... I wish you could’ve met the sarcastic fella Tony used to be, full of piss and vinegar, you’d have gotten on like a house on fire.”

His friend’s expression was confused. “Stevie, he’s still like that. I was surprised when he offered to make me the new arm, but even more surprised by how he joked around with me while working on it. He’s hilarious, and kind of a jerk but... in a way that brings you in on the joke, ya know?”

Steve’s brow furrowed. He did know, or at least, that was the Tony he’d known before. But that wasn’t the Tony he’d interacted with since their return from Wakanda.

So he watched Tony with the others. Watched his exchanges with Clint during sparring bouts returning from bitterness to friendly banter. Watched his light-hearted bickering with Scott during movie night, his vehement agreement with Wanda over the ridiculousness of a plot hole.

And Steve realized it was only _him_ Tony was acting differently around.

* * *

When Nat came into his room, Steve could tell he wasn’t going to like what she had to tell him.

“You have something?”

He’d talked to Nat about Tony’s behavior around him, and she had agreed it was strange, that she’d have expected at least one screaming match between them within the three weeks since their return. She’d agreed to ask some discrete questions, since Steve’s relationship with Rhodey hadn’t much improved since his first attempted apology.

“You’d better sit down, Steve,” she said.

_I can take it,_ he wanted to say, but the look on her face told him he’d better just sit.

Once he did, she began, “I talked to Pepper. Have you heard of Hanahaki Disease?”

Steve frowned. “That flower thing from fairy tales?” He’d heard stories around school when he was a kid that someone or another was coughing up flowers because of true love, but as someone who spent half their summer coughing up blood, it was easy to dismiss as fairy tale nonsense.

“It’s real, Steve. It’s rare, but there have been plenty of documented cases. Growths in the lungs that lead to expulsion of flower petals, almost always linked to unrequited love. Thirty percent survival rate.”

“What does this have to do with...” Steve trailed off as he realized the answer, a pit forming in his stomach.

“According to Pepper...”

* * *

_Pepper heard the coughing as she walked into the workshop, but if she’d been walking a little slower she might not have seen it--the splash of color falling from Tony’s hand into the trash bin._

_“What was that?” Pepper asked._

_Tony looked up with his unconvincing “innocent” face, then turned away, grabbed a handful of tissues, blew his nose dramatically, and dumped them in the trash. “Just can’t get over this cold, I guess.”_

_Pepper frowned at him. She picked up a nearby set of pliers and walked determinedly toward Tony._

_“Uh, Pep,” he said, looking nervous, “Not that that’s not a hot look for you, but what...”_

_She stopped at the trash can and used the pliers to pull aside the tissues and see what he’d hidden underneath._

_A collection of bright orange blossoms were scattered in the bin._

_“Oh, Tony,” she said, stepping back and dropping the tool. He was turned away. “Are those...? You know I love you right?”_

_Tony nodded, turned back, and gave her a wry smile. “Of course. The same way I love you--you’re my best friend who doesn’t wear armored suits. Which--have you reconsidered yet? Offer’s still open, I know you’d be kickass in--”_

_“Tony. Who is it?” Before he could try to deflect again, she said, “You have Hanahaki. Who are you in love with?”_

_His face was frozen in the half-smile for a second, then collapsed in misery. He swallowed hard, shaking his head. “It’s... it’s ridiculous, really. I’d have thought Siberia would’ve cured me, if anything, not made it worse.”_

_Pepper was confused for a moment, but then put the pieces together. “Steve.”_

_Tony shrugged. “Guess it just made it all the more clear how unrequited it was. When the coughing got bad after, I’d assumed it was complications from the chest trauma, but no, it wasn’t his shield that broke my heart. Or--my lungs, I guess.” He looked over at the shield that lay on a lab table in the corner, and coughed again, another petal falling out into his hand._

_“I don’t suppose you’re willing to consider the surgery?”_

_Tony sighed, wincing as the act caused another coughing fit. “Helen says even with the cradle, my previous heart surgeries will make it more dangerous, but...” He met her eyes, and she saw grief in his expression. “I have it scheduled for next Thursday.”_

* * *

“Surgery?” Steve asked Natasha, not remembering what the stories--apparently horrifyingly true stories--had to say about that.

“Apart from discovering the love isn’t unrequited after all, surgery is the only way to survive Hanahaki. The growth is removed from the lungs. There’s a side effect, though, so a lot of people refuse the procedure. The patient loses all feelings for the person they loved. Not their memories, exactly, just the emotions associated with them.”

That was why Tony had been so disturbingly blank around him. All his emotions toward Steve had been removed. In a surgery that could have killed him, but which saved his life.

Steve wanted to throw up. Rhodes had been right that he’d almost killed Tony. Even if he hadn’t been in love with Tony, maybe if he’d been a better friend, told him the truth about his parents as soon as he’d found out, it would have made a difference.

Or maybe being furious with Steve had helped Tony make the decision to get the surgery he’d needed. Maybe it was better for him after all, because at least this way he was alive.

Alive, and still himself around everyone but Steve. He’d never shout his anger out at Steve, never have a chance of working through the rage to possibly, maybe revive their old friendship. He was alive... and forever lost to Steve.

Steve drew in a shaky breath, knowing he was on the verge of tears but refusing to give in. “Thanks for finding out for me.”

Nat nodded, gripped his shoulder briefly, then left him alone.

* * *

The best, worst part of it was... Tony really seemed happy.

Steve watched him with the others, and he wasn’t just back to normal. He was smiling more than he had in a long time. Maybe before Ultron, maybe more than he ever had since he’d met Steve.

Maybe Steve had always made Tony miserable.

And now, Steve had to live with the irrational pain of missing a friend who was right there, sharing a living space but barely aware of his presence.

But at least Tony was happy.

Across the room, Tony barked out a laugh at something Rhodey had said, his eyes crinkling with genuine pleasure.

Steve felt something tickle the back of his throat. He tried to clear it, then coughed, covering his mouth with his left hand.

When he lowered his hand, he saw it.

There, in his palm, was a small white petal.

**Author's Note:**

> Ending deliberately ambiguous. Choose your own degree of tragedy for what comes next.
> 
> I’ve read a bunch of happy-ending Hanahaki fics, and while I usually prefer happy endings, I wanted to explore one where someone actually opted for the feelings-removing surgery. And it seemed reasonable a post-CACW Tony would make that choice. (Also, I’m pretty sure losing emotions toward something would make it harder to access memories of it, in case it was unclear why Tony sometimes seemed not to recognize Steve.)
> 
> Zephyranthes is the scientific genus of flowers such as rainflowers. According to [this page](https://thesecretlanguageofflowers.wordpress.com/2013/04/06/the-language-of-flowers-part1), “rainflower” in the Language of Flowers means “I love you back, I must atone for my sins, I will never forget you”. That meaning doesn’t seem to be confirmed elsewhere (except places that probably copied it directly), but it seemed appropriate here.


End file.
